Even though I know no one will read this. I think I should just vomit this out. Yeah, so few days ago I heard that you've settled down. Like yes, married. Do you know how I felt at that moment? I cried so hard in my heart because I knew you. You're just slipped away from the right path and met the wrong person at the right time.

But at the same time, I was so sad because I'm not at your side to celebrate the most meaningful day of your life. I was so sad knowing about it not from your own mouth. It wasn't you who tell me "Hey buddy, I'm getting married!". I knew, there were still a boundary between us. Why?

I've been thinking why is this happening to us? Why am I wrong? I tried to recall. I thought maybe you're just mad at me because of my comment posting in your facebook last year? Just so you know, at the moment I was so stressed out that why are they mentioning me in an old post of yours? What are they trying to do? I knew you would ignore the post so I'm mad.

Just saying, if it is true that you're taking the comment as an offend, then I am guilty as you are. I admit I was wrong. Do you know how long I've been waiting for you to come home? It's been years! Years after you leave me and went with the 'alien'. Years after I apologized to you that I wanted you to come back.

I thought you would come back and find me, or at least the rest of your friends. But no. They're keep asking me "is she coming back?". I missed you a lot. Was it too hard to forgive me? I was trying to help you out, I thought you wanted to changed. I am ready to fight for you. I admit, I fight the wrong way. But it was never intended for you. Because I knew you too well. I would say, congratulation to the 'alien' for separating us for these few years and coming. I hope you're satisfy seeing me losing my own battle.

I was overthink of where am I wrong. Before I came across about the comment posting, I tried to recall that it wasn't me who walked away at the first place. It was you. No. I'm not trying to pass the blame baton for you. But just so you know, I cried when you leave me hanging alone waiting for you to come. I almost went back walking but I'm afraid you will be worried. That was the very first time you leave me. Can you recall where you were at that time? It wasn't the last time. I did asked for your help to help me out in my application to the university. And you refused saying you have some matter to do. I went alone, and saw you with the 'alien'. I cried. I cried while riding the motorcycle. That was the second time.

I never thought the third time would hurt me the most. The moment I told you I'm moving away. And you're moving too somewhere in the north region too. I gave you advises with hope you will change. If you recall, I did tell you "I am so worried, I had a bad instinct of leaving you at this time, I'm afraid you would fall back". It did happen. And that was the last time we ever had a deep conversation.

Then years after years, you're still not here. And I just saw the good news from the the only wall we had between us, facebook. At that moment, I knew I am no longer exist in you life. I pray that you will have a better life ahead. I'm here, giving up on you. Good bye, my used-to-be buddy. I loved you.
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Haa tiap kali menjejak ke negeri NG (forgive me for this sarcasm) benda wajib kita cari adalah keropok lekor. Kan? Kan? Kan? Tak kisahlah untuk sendiri santap atau buah tangan nak bagitahu orang "woi aku pergi Terengganu woi".

Keropok dekat Ganu banyak jenis dan jenama. Dulu aku ingat losong tu spesis keropok. Rupanya jenama yang ambil nama tempat, Kg. Losong. Aku dengar banyak je keropok losong best siap ada yang kena ambil nombor giliran.

Tapi bagi aku, aku lebih suka keropok lekor Kelulut 008. Aku tak tahu fungsi kod 008 tu. Reccomended beli yang goreng. Dulu aku panggil keropok kfc sebab bau dia macam kfc. Haha.

Apa yang aku suka pasal 008 ni keropok dia banyak isi ikan tak macam keropok biasa kita makan dekat pasar malam. Kadang-kadang tu banyak tulang dari isi ikan. Tak tahu la jenis apa ikan yang digunakan tapi memang tak gatal. Makan satu tak cukup. Sos cicah dia pun best.

Macam mana aku boleh ter-hooked dengan keropok ni? Masa belajar dekat Kuantan dulu member perkenalkan keropok ni, terus kamching dengan selera. Lepastu balik konvo rela balik ikut jalan pantai which is jauh semata nak singgah sini. Hehe. Memang selang bertahun jugak sebelum dapat makan lagi.

Selain keropok 008 ni aku suka keropok dekat Peramu Kuantan, nama kedai Mokna kot. Boleh tengok live mak cik kaup isi ikan lepas tu gaul dengan tepung, ramas-ramas sikit terus masuk kuali. Rasa dia memang authentic. But mostly dekat Kuantan keropok lekor memang macam tu.

Kedai 008 ni terletak dekat tepi Pantai Kelulut Marang. Sebelah stesen minyak Caltex. Very recomended. Tapi lain orang lain seleranya. Kalau tak sangkut dekat anda, tetap menjadi kegemaran aku. Kesah pulak aku. Haha. Chiow.

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"You're the best buddy I've ever had" "anything for you buddy". That's the kind of bullshit I've ever heard. From you.

Hanya disebabkan seketul makhluk asing, kawan sejak pre-puberty kau tinggalkan. Celaka. Aku kenal sosok kawan aku. Aku tahu kau bukan spesis makhluk tersebut. Tapi sayang, kau pilih dia dari aku dan kawan kau yang lain. Jarak kita sekarang hanya akaun Facebook yang dah bersawang inboxnya. Dulu kita pakai SMS je kot. Tak merasa aku nak whatsapp dengan kau. Jimat kredit aku. Lol.

Soul-mate katakau. Soulmate haprak kau last-last aku terkapai kau berambus tanpa kata. Mungkin sebab aku guris hati 'dia' yang heret kau dalam dunia yang aku tak mampu nak gapai tangan kau. Mungkin memaafkan so-called-sahabat 40 kali ganda susah daripada memaafkan seketul makhluk itu. Sebab aku kawan yang buruk. Dan dia makhluk sempurna di mata kau.

Kau tahu tak? Perasaan hilang kawan baik (baiklah sangat) ni 40 kali ganda sakitnya daripada kena dump dengan pakwe (which is kau tahu ceritanya). Tapi kau mana rasa macam aku rasa. Selain kawan-celaka-mengelak-bayar-hutang, aku tebalkan muka aku minta ampun dengan kau. Dengan harapan kita kembali macam dulu. Macam zaman kita tanam anggur tak berbuah. Zaman kita lintas jalan pegang tangan sampai minah kfc kata kita lesbian. Kau mengucap panjang waktu tu. Kau masih ingat Dia. Zaman kita sama-sama 'sweet escape' kerana tak tahan panas bontot sakit kepala tak keluar rumah. Zaman minah rempit bukan remaja minda sempit.

Sayang, zaman tu dah lama berlalu lepas 'dia' jadi batu nisan persahabatan kita. Kau tahu, buruk busuk kau aku tak pernah kata aku jijik dengan kau. Sempadan yang kau letak antara aku dengan kau bukan ciptaan aku. Kalau kau pandai buat sesi #throwback lah. There were not even a goodbye from me. Kalau bab cinta aku ni setia sampai hujung tanjung, mana mungkin aku tak setia dalam persahabatan. Kau lebih kenal aku. Kau, aku, kita. Sama-sama berdosa. Tak ada kau syaitan aku malaikat. Kita sama-sama manusia.

Aku masih menunggu 'best buddy' yang aku pernah kenal. Yang jarak tak pernah memisahkan. Yang aku tak tahu apa dalam benak kau sampai kau tinggal aku. Inilah aku. Mulut kata aku 'move on' dari kenang kau, tapi hati hanya Dia yang tahu. Kalau kau tak ada saat bahagia hidup aku pun, sekurangnya kau jangan lupa doakan aku waktu aku pergi.

*pause

Takde, takde. Lupakan ayat klise macam orang mati laki itu. Tak kuasa. Pergi mamposlah kau.

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